Musings
by Ken's luver
Summary: Pain. It's what he lived for and inflicted, but maybe, possibly, could one person show him the healing he needed? This is dedicated to Sylvyr Elf, she inspired me. (Kaiser centered fic) (complete)


Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon. (A/N: This is a bit dark and messed up. I wouldn't say it's romance exactly, but hey, it's twisted. This is dedicated to Sylvyr Elf; her story of Myotismon inspired me to write this so it goes out to her! Go read her stuff it's great!!)  
  
'Musings'  
  
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy her company, not even I can deny that. I never loved her, I don't think I could have even if I wanted to. But then again, she didn't love me either, not really.  
  
She was just there, in front of me looking up at me like a rabbit caught in a hunter's trap. But then that look of fear melted and was replaced with defiance. That's what I liked about her, she was so damned spunky. All thought of the control spire that had been destroyed left my mind and I focused on her. I loomed over her for what must have been four, five minutes, my shadow devouring her in a minimal amount of darkness. That is until she shifted and moved in to the light of the sun again. She was hurt; her ankle was twisted, possibly broken. To this day I don't know why I did it. But I scooped her up into my arms and took her to my base. She didn't protest too much and when I put her on my bed she seemed almost shocked. I wrapped the bandages around her slender ankle myself. I couldn't trust my clumsy slaves to do it. I was marveled at how a creature such as she, one so boisterous and rough could have such smooth, soft skin. And while it was true that she was covered in dirt the soft glow of her skin still shined through. "Rest here." I commanded, "Do not stray from this room." I turned to leave, but her question stopped me briefly.  
  
"Why are you helping me?"  
  
I didn't know the answer to that question then and I still don't know it. I should have just kept walking but for some reason the inquiry irritated me. No one questioned why I did things. No one. Quicker than she could anticipate, I produced my whip and brought it down hard on her ankle with a loud 'crack'. She screamed. Who wouldn't have? But the sound she made is what enthralled me. It sent chills down my spine and caught a lump in my throat. I had never heard that sound before. Non of my slaves had ever sounded like that. I found myself staring at her. Watching as she bit back the tears that were welling up inside her. She was strong and I couldn't wait to break her. I turned to leave her once more and when I returned I expected her to have escaped. I really didn't need or want her there at the time. I had no use for her. And of course I did not think she wanted to stay at the base. But there she was, lying down on my sheets sleeping. I frowned deeply and smacked her across the face to wake her. She gasped and looked into my eyes. "Who do you think you are, sleeping on my bed?" I yelled. I wasn't really angry with her, but still, that was not the point, the point was, she was sleeping on something that was not hers. It belonged to me! And of all people to aggravate, she picked me and that was foolish.  
  
"I fell asleep." She wanted to shout it, I knew but she held back. This made me happy. She feared me and that made me want to feed off her fear.  
  
"I'm sure you did." I wanted her. Or was it her that I really wanted? Maybe it was the vulnerable vibe she sent out in waves. Never the less, I took her. It's always what I had done. I saw what I wanted and took it. Yes I kissed her and she fought back at first that is until I bit her lip. Then she gave in. I had the power and she knew it. I didn't bask in the pleasures of the flesh that night; I had no desire to. Not yet anyway.  
  
"You can stay if you want. But if you do, you are to call me Master or Emperor. Understand?"  
  
She nodded quietly with her eyes down cast. She wanted something from me but I had no idea what it was. I still don't think I really know.  
  
And I still don't know why she stayed with me. Even long after her ankle had healed, she stayed and I would punish her for the way she would look at me or the things she would say. Often she would call me a name I never responded to, "Ken." She would say and I would ask her who this 'Ken' was. Numerous times she tried to explain that I was Ken, but I would always hit her with my whip out of pure instinct. I don't know why I never wanted her to finish. But it became a daily ritual where she would start down that road and I would whip her at exactly the same sentence. "Your brother." and again the whip would come down on her. Sometimes on her back, other times her face. And every time she would scream. It was a song to me, one that I began to crave. And when she became wise and stopped bringing up that conversation, I missed not hearing her scream. So instead I would go to her room and punish her for no reason. Or on the reason that she was not pleasing me anymore. She became used to it now and when she looked up at me I needed something else to vent on. So I ravaged her. I wouldn't say I violated her exactly, because I felt that she didn't shun me or reject me. I knew that some part of her wanted it just as much as I did. She bled that night. Just as she bled every other night after it. It was the pain I loved. I lived for it. I had nothing else really. I was never really alive except when I was causing excruciating pain. Or even just minimal pain. And not just her pain, but mine as well. I carry scars from the pain I inflicted upon myself. I still do. And I'll add to those till I die. The taste of pain is so decedent. Physical pain makes it all feel so much better. And inflicting it upon others makes me feel better. Better about what, I am still not sure. There are things missing from my memory. Things I blocked out possibly. That was her theory anyway.  
  
"Why do you do it?"  
  
She asked me that one morning after we had spent the night together. I paused for a moment and answered, "Because I can."  
  
"I don't believe that."  
  
"Oh really. Then what do you believe?" I narrowed my eyes at her, thinking that she wouldn't dare go on, but she did. That was who she was. She was strong, and I still had not broken her.  
  
"I believe you need someone. Anyone who will love you or hold you. You crave contact. Any kind of contact."  
  
Something in me twinged. My stomach sank and I frowned, confused at my own reaction to what she had just said. Had there been some truth in that? I think there was. Before I could retort, she kissed me. Softly, smoothly and gingerly. I hungered her. Craved her even and not in the way I usually did. I didn't want to hurt her. I wanted to hold her for hours and bath in her warmth. We made love that night. There was no other term for it. And I'll never forget that night. The way her lavender hair tickled my bare chest when she leaned over me and kissed it. And the sound she made was far more beautiful than the screams she used to make. I stayed with her that night. Usually I always needed to get away from her or myself. To get away from what I had done. To just sit and think peacefully. But lying in her arms gave me that clarity, that peace I always needed.  
  
I never got to thank her for it. I knew something was wrong that morning when I awoke to find she was gone. She was never gone. She had always been there. I still don't know why she did it. But I can only imagine what she must have looked like standing on the edge of that cliff moments before she did it. The breeze gently tugging on her long hair. Her glasses removed and all the bruises and scars I had provided showing. The Digidestined had taken her body with them, while I watched them take the only person who had tried to get in. To break the walls. So I returned to my world. Never forgetting her but always trying.  
  
"Why are you telling me this?"  
  
"There comes a time in a persons life when they need to vent feelings and I have held that in me for years Gennai. Thank you for listening."  
  
"It is not like I had much choice. What with me being locked up in this prison."  
  
"Yes well, it's necessary."  
  
"You plan to keep me locked up in here forever? With the ports closed so no one can get in or out? Sounds a bit like your heart."  
  
"You'll do wise to hold your tongue Gennai."  
  
"You'll never be happy Ken."  
  
"There is no 'happy' for me. There never was and there never will be. What she gave me was pure despair. I was born alone and I will die alone. And I have no memory of this 'Ken'. All I know is that I was born here with no past."  
  
"I know what it is that she wanted from you."  
  
"And that was?"  
  
"You're salvation."  
  
The Emperor turned to leave the dungeon, but Gennai had one last thing to add.  
  
"She had a name you know."  
  
"Oh? What was it?"  
  
"Yolei."  
  
He nodded to himself, absorbing the information and made his way to his room, where he ran his hand along the sheets, remembering that night. Every smell, every sound, every touch, every sensation. No smile sprang to his lips. He moved to his window where he looked out over his land of black obelisks and digimon with collars. Again no smile touched his lips.  
  
----~~~~----  
  
Kaiser: Well that was, interesting.  
  
Nic: I don't know why I wrote it, it's odd, but I was trying something different.  
  
Ken: It's sad.  
  
Wormmon: Yeah.  
  
Nic: You know me by now guys, I'm not about fluffy endings. Sorry.  
  
Ken: Why did Yolei kill herself?  
  
Nic: I wanted to leave that out there. Let people read between the lines and make their own decision. (Actually if anyone wants to tell me why they thought Yolei killed herself, tell me in your review. I think it would be interesting). 


End file.
